Changes

So many things have changed for me in the past couple of months. Mostly, my heart has been broken. It's healing, but slowly.

I'm finding that the hardest part for me to accept is (surprisingly to me) not the loss of the man with whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life, but the changes that I see in him that I don't fully understand. It's like he is a stranger to me now. I feel like I've lost him twice. That's the worst. Not that I want to be friends. Please, no. Seeing him on a regular basis would be like salt in the wound. However, I'm ok. Not great, yet, but ok. And I know I will be fine. If I were a bigger person, I would say, "I just want him to be happy." But I don't....not yet. I really hope he's miserable without my love. At least for a long while, dammit.

I do, however, like living on my own. My time, my schedule, my quiet, my décor, my menus, my remote. I am indulging in a bit of selfish me time.

Life for now is in a wonderful little apartment in downtown Everett with my two furry feline roommates. One more and I can cross into crazy cat lady status. On my bucket list has always been living for a couple of years in a city where I can walk to most everything. Downtown Everett doesn't quite fit that bill (I was thinking more of downtown Seattle....or Chicago), but I can get most of my groceries at the little organic co-op down the street, my office is only a little over a mile away, and there are plenty of restaurants and the library close by. I do need a hardware store, and haven't come up with a walk-able solution for that. But I did find a couple of antique shops today. I'll have to dive into those in the near future. And there is a gorgeous view from the rooftop.

Books are being read, music is being listened to, kitties are being snuggled, friends are being treasured.

For me, right now...I am content.

Collecting...and an Acquisition

One of my favorite quotes is by William Morris: 

 

Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.

I think for the most part I try to live by that. As I was eating lunch and thinking about what I was going to write, my first thought was to start with the caveat that I am not a collector.

But then I thought about the things that I like:

• vintage Pyrex, especially bowls
• ironstone platters and pitchers, etc
• creamers
• vintage linens
• Universal pottery Laurella dishes
• mid-century teak furniture
• interesting crockery

and I discovered that I am, indeed, a collector.

My hesitancy in labeling myself as such is that I really desire to be less bound up by possessions and things and to truly only have useful items in my home; and I like to delude myself into thinking that I am not a hoarder.

Also, the minute you start collecting something, invariably one of your friends will see that rooster you have on your kitchen counter, finds rooster salt and pepper shakers at a store, and buy it for you because they love you and they just know that you love roosters. Then another friend sees a rooster metal sign and gives it to you for your birthday.  Now, instead of just having that one awesome rooster that you found at the thrift store for $2 and thought was adorable (and you could easily dispose of when you tired of it)....you have the beginnings of a whole tacky collection.

Anyway, the point of this is....well, there is no point, just some thinking aloud. On to the acquisition.

When my mom was visiting at Christmas, we headed to the town of Snohomish and spent a very nice hour in an antique mall while my wonderful stepdad napped patiently in the car. As we were shopping, we were talking about the amount of Franciscan dishes that we see in the area, usually in the same few patterns (a lot of Desert Rose and Apple Blossom), but that I never see the pattern that I grew up with, Bird 'N Hand. I think my parents may have received this as a wedding gift, as it was only made from 1968-72. Perhaps it wasn't terribly popular, I don't know and that's why we don't see it. I do like it's simplicity, white with a black line drawn trim.

I mentioned to Mom that I would like to find a usable piece to have. She has a platter, but it is white with black trim and no design. I have kept my eyes open for years for a useful bowl or something.

Not more than 10 minutes later, a beam of heavenly light shone from above and brought my eye to the last remaining Franciscan Bird 'N Hand pitcher in existence. That may be a slight exaggeration, but I doubt you can prove otherwise.

And so I now have a piece of my childhood dishes. But I will not be collecting them. Never mind that I immediately went home that same evening and found a creamer on Etsy. And then ran into another creamer (for $3!) at the Goodwill last week. But I am not collecting them.

I think I shall consider myself a conservator. Doesn't that sound better?

Too Unfocused to Write

In my mind, my thoughts flow through my fingers to the screen like water down a hillside.  My ideas, plots, and opinions are clear and focused, and oh, so articulate.

In my reality, something always distracts me. Logging on to the computer to post, or to compose my thoughts, I find....new Facebook posts, Pinterest, emails, my favorite blogs.

My reading has suffered as well, with the distractions of electronics. I listen to books during my half-hour commute each way, but find that is not the same as delving through the pages on my own. And yes, I like the pages. Reading on the tablet doesn't have the same satisfaction for me, for whatever reason.

My new plan is to devote Thursday mornings (as I am off) to at least one blog post, on whatever subject happens to be on my mind, and to reading. Reading first. This morning I began the Edward Rutherfurd book, Russka. I loved his Princes of Ireland and this is another historical saga.

Discipline. Care. Time.

Or should I say, caring enough to discipline myself to take time.

I'm off to dig in to another chapter. No more computer until this evening.

Some Thoughts on Exes

Exes.

It's hard to make it to your 40s, or even 30s, without having some sort of an ex. Whether an ex-spouse or an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, those feelings we have when the relationship ends are often painful and all-too-long-lasting.

Here's what I want to say to you, my friends.

Get Over It.

Really.

I'm not talking about the fresh break-up. It takes time to heal. I'm talking about the years-later-you-are-still-trash-talking-your-ex-and-thinking-of-ways-to-hurt-him kind of Get Over It.

I am talking to some of my friends, who are carrying around pain and anger, sometimes rightfully so, but who are allowing that hatred to infiltrate their lives. 

It will kill your soul.

I'm not foolish enough to think that everyone will be able to truly forgive their former love for perceived and actual wrongs. What I am saying is that you thinking about Him and how He did you wrong, how He spent all your money, how He treated you badly, how He moved on, and how you still want to run Him over with your car if you see Him, is doing no one any good. He doesn't care that you are ticked off. It isn't ruining His life. It's ruining yours.

I've been there. If I wanted to I could give a list of things my ex did that would curl your hair. But it's not worth my energy.  This weekend I am spending time with a whole bunch of people who last saw me when I was married. They knew my ex. There will be questions. That's fine. I will give them the truth, but abbreviated. Because I have moved on. I have Gotten Over It. And God has healed that pain.

Did it change me and leave scars? Of course. Did your break-up create long-term havoc and distress in your life? Of course it did. I'm not unsympathetic. You may not have wanted the divorce or you may have been the instigator.  Either way, it happened. You aren't responsible for punishing Him. Now is the time to move onward and upward.

 

Isaiah 43:18-19
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.” (NIV)

I wish I could guarantee that the people who need to read this would see it. There are many in my life who are so busy hanging on to their ex that their present and future is being wasted. Some are my friends, some are not.

Trust me when I say, your hatred does not hurt your former spouse, but it will kill you inside.

More Salmon

 

I am so glad that Joe gets to clean all the fish.  I did offer to learn, but we have come up with a good processing system that involves him fileting and me vacuum sealing and cleaning up. So I have dodged that bullet.

 

 Here he is just starting on my bigger coho (silver) from today. It was the largest one of the four in the boat (as I have mentioned to Joe about 642 times) and had over 4.5 pounds just in filets.

 

  I have become totally addicted to salmon fishing. Just the process of casting, reeling in, and being out on the river is so wonderful. When I am out there, I always think that I would be satisfied to just be sitting there...even if we aren't catching anything.

 

But then the fish hits the hook. And my heart races. And as Joe told me today...I get a crazy grin that doesn't go away until the fish is in the boat and unhooked. Then I can relax a little again. Until the next "fish on".

 

 

 

Isn't it a good sign when the filets hang over the side of my largest ironstone platter?  And this isn't even a huge fish. We weighed the meat we harvested today and we put more than 14 pounds in the freezer.

 

We also put up 2.5 pounds of eggs. We have a lot to do with them so we can use them for bait. Apparently there is a whole process that we need to put them through before we use it. I guess I will learn about that later.  I think the eggs are actually quite pretty just as they are.

 

 

Also this week I started some sauerkraut. It's sitting in a crock on the counter fermenting. We shall see how it comes out. I'm pretty excited about it, having never made it before.  More on that later.  But only if it turns out!

Apartment Therapy Style Cure: Day One

I am participating in Apartment Therapy's month of Style Cure. Essentially, this means I am gutting a room and making it not just full of hand-me-downs and a catch-all, but re-making it to represent me. The room I am tackling (an appropriate word since I will need a linebacker's muscles to do this) is what is supposed to be my guest/reading room. What it is currently is a repository for all the stuff that doesn't have a home elsewhere. I will post a picture this weekend, much to my shame, just to keep me honest.

The first task of the "cure" was a self-interview. Sort-of an introspective what-kind-of-crazy-nut-are-you? style-wise quiz. Because what I discovered is that I like a bit of everything. How I answered this was listing the first things or persons that came into my mind. Hardly scientific, but odd.

1. List your favorites in each category

Actor: Sean Connery. Loved him in Darby O'Gill (when he had amazing hair) and in Hunt for Red October (in which he didn't). Oh, that voice.
Actress: Melissa McCarthy. Chubby and hilarious? You're my girl.
Artist: Dale Chihuly. Just saw more of his work in Seattle. Inspiring. And Fredrick Childe Hassam. I've enjoyed him since seeing his work at the Joslyn in Omaha. The grays and greens are just lovely.
Writers: Harper Lee, JK Rowling, CS Lewis
Music: No preference. It changes daily.
Restaurant: I love good food and good service. Honestly, I don't have a favorite.
Automobile: 1972 Jeep CJ5 or a 1970s Jaguar
Movies/TV: Princess Bride, Law and Order, Dr Who, or anything by Joss Whedon
Clothing: pencil skirts, tank tops, big earrings
Furniture pieces: mid-century dressers, IKEA, vintage dinnerware

2. Choose three words to describe your personal style
Vintage, outdoorsy, eclectic

3. Think back over the homes you've lived in, both as a child and as an adult. Which rooms would you choose as your favorites and how would you describe them.

Childhood: The livingroom I had in high school. High ceilings, wood paneled walls, rock fireplace, cozy and inviting.
Adulthood: My last kitchen. Modern appliances and vintage dinnerware and bright colors.

4. Who do you consider a role model?

My friend Erin. You know who you are. 
What three adjectives describe the qualities that you most admire in this person?
Loving, generous, godly

5. Every home has areas that are "just right". Which three spots or things in your home do you feel are beautiful and feel proud of, right now, as is:

This stinks, as the only spot I love right now is my black and white photo wall.

6. A month from now, at the end of the Style Cure, how would you like your friends to describe your home?

Welcoming, a good mix of masculine and feminine, tidy, and personal

What has this taught me? I think I am bi-polar. Or perhaps this mix of likes is normal. Probably. Either way, my goal is to transform my reading room into a place that I want to spend time, to curl up with a book, and a place that when friends come to spend the night, they recognize my influence and taste.

Not Wrong

Here's what I learned from last night's women's study:

When both parties are well-intentioned, because of the way men and women see things differently, they both can be right, because they are approaching the issue from different angles and perspectives.

The illustration that was used really hit home for me.

A home designer goes to a couples' home for a consultation. He wants granite counter tops, wood floors, and porcelain sinks. She wants Corian counters, tile floors, and acrylic sinks. Neither is wrong, but their preferences are based on expectations, things they have seen in the past, and sometimes, deep-seated desires.

The designer has a tough job. He has to take each persons needs/wants and merge them with the others to make both happy and satisfied.

We don't get a designer. Darn it. But we do have the tools available to merge our needs and wants so that both are met.

Word of the Year for 2013

This year I do not want to make resolutions at which I inevitibly fail, or at the very least, fall short.

 

This year I want to make changes in my lifestyle.

 

My word for the year is: CREATE

 

Things I want to CREATE:

• deeper friendships with a select group of ladies.
• a peaceful refuge for my man.
• an organized and useful space for my artistic endeavors and projects.
• all of my Christmas gifts.
• a repetoire of recipes for both of our dietary needs.

The world is but a canvas to the imagination.
~Henry David Thoreau

How to Not Be Depressed

According to today's news reports, the third Monday of January is statistically the most depressing day of the year. Well, how lovely. Apparently a group of psychologists came up with this a few years ago  and have decided that poor weather (unless you live in the southern hemisphere), incoming credit card bills from overexpenditures at Christmas (unless you pay cash), and failed New Year's resolutions all contribute to this sad and pathetic day.

I wish I had known this earlier. I could have really milked it.

It made me think back to a list that was posted in the church library years ago. One of the keys to fighting depression?  Go out and do something nice for somebody else. I think I will.

Disclairmer: Lest anyone think I am mocking people with depression, I am not. This is fuzzy science at its best, based solely on conjecture and without numbers backing it.

Pride and Prejudice, Again.

Yesterday I finished one of my commute books, and in trying to decide what to listen to on my way to work, I landed upon Pride and Prejudice. I never tire of it, and re-read it at least once a year, and watch the BBC video every couple years. To get my Elizabeth and Darcy fix. It has everything nothing to do with Colin Firth. And I lie like a rug.

But listening to it may be even better than reading! Especially since the version I am listening to is complete with British accent, much more authentic than the one in my head.

I was pondering last night why this is a book for me, and many others, of which I never tire. Probably because the verbal sparring is still so funny, and male/female communication, while it is much different in style, really doesn't vary in substance. Let's face it...miscommunication between the genders is neverending. Its one of the biggest things that I try to focus on in my relationship. Don't make Joe guess what I am thinking/feeling/asking him to do. Why do we expect our partners to mindread? Perhaps it's because as women especially, we assume we already know what our men our thinking? Ouch.

So P and P is my standby. And I look forward to my morning commutes for the next month or so. Mostly.

My Personal Spending Downfalls

I have been scrupulously saving money lately, because I have an important financial goal looming. And because it's so important to me, there are sacrifices that I am willing to make. But there are a couple of things that tempt me and that are harder for me to give up.

Eating out is a big one, since Joe and I often meet up in the evenings. We have been working on that one together, and trying to eat in more at his place or mine.

Books have also been a difficult thing. I do love nice vintage copies of classics, and I have run into some lovely ones lately. I need to stop looking, that would help immensely.

One thing that has been easier to give up has been my special coffee. I can drink coffee for free at work, and also, staff members give each other cards for a "job well done" that add up and you can spend at with our barista. So that's become a treat rather than the norm.

And on to the Next...

I love Christmas. I really do. And I'm not going to talk about the spiritual side of it (yes, that's the most important thing to me).

What I love is the idea of the holiday. Even the way we celebrate it here in the US. I love the giving of gifts, the surprise on people's faces when they realize that you were actually listening back in August when they said they just loved (or needed) that special something.  I love seeing what your special someone (for years, even in adulthood it was my mom...thanks, mom) puts in your Christmas stocking.

What I don't love are my personal, false expectations of how it ought to be. I had a bit of a meltdown on Christmas Eve. Too much to do, fear of failure, fear of rejection. Possibly all irrational thoughts, but floating around and settling in my brain nonetheless. 

By Christmas morning I had straightened myself out, with a lot of encouragement from my honey. We had a marvelous day. Very relaxed. Joe came over and we opened our stockings. My mom called and asked if I liked the funky old mirror she found for me. Uh-oh. Hadn't actually opened presents yet. (But I do like the mirror!) Popped the turkey in the oven and cooked all day. It was marvelous. I am learning to be a hostess like my mom is, relaxed, and fun. No one has ever died because the day was not perfectly orchestrated.  Joe's mom and cousin came over and we ate like pigs. My dad stayed home and humbugged. He should have come. The turkey and everything else came out perfectly.

So now it's over and we can plan for the new year. 2011 had big things in store.

Pivotal Moments in Weight Loss

I began my weight loss journey two-and-a-half years ago knowing it would be a long and, at times, frustrating process. When I began, I just wanted to look better. (Well, I really want to look like Catherine Zeta-Jones, but I am a realist.) That has evolved into some very specific fitness goals. So far I am down about 65 pounds, with 30 to go. There have been funny and exciting moments along the way, some of which surprised me. When the weight goes on over the course of years, you don't really notice it. Oh, I knew I was heavy, but I didn't really realize what limitations physically (and emotionally) I had put upon myself because of it.

• The first thing I noticed when I really began taking it off and changing my shape was (of all things) reaching down to pull the gas tank release in the car. Really. It hadn't dawned on me that my tummy was getting in the way of even little things like that. That was about a year or so ago, and even now, every time I reach for that release, I smile. (Then I think of gas prices and my smile fades, but at least I have it for a bit!)
• Another thing I have recently found is that people have stopped saying, "You have such a pretty face." I'm not sure what other people think when that is said to them, but what I actually heard is, "You wouldn't be so bad if your head was attached to someone else's body." Ouch.
• Last week I went to Old Navy and bought jeans that are the size I thought was my GOAL. Not even close. In 30 more pounds I will be in the size I was in high school. My shape will definitely be different, but hey...that's called adulthood. And I'm just fine with that.
• But the best thing that has happened recently? Joe snapped a picture of me and it is the first picture in a long time that I have no criticism of. 

I'll update again after the next 30.

Confessions of a Macaroni and Cheese Lover

My name is Karen. I only eat fruit and veggie carbs (and protein, of course).

You can see how that would make Mac and Cheese a problem.

Once a month, I crave me some homemade-baked-in-the-oven-with-as-many-kinds-of-cheese-as-I-can-get-my-hand-on macaroni and cheese. If that's not available, some Kraft with an extra handful of sharp cheddar thrown in will suffice. I'm not picky.

Here's how I abstain. There is no macaroni in my house. It's un-American, I know, but I just can't keep it around. Otherwise the whole box will be inhaled. And my discipline will be shot.

Is there some sort of 12-step program for me? Do I get a 90-day coin for being good?

I just wanna know.

Thanks for listening.

Completed Chairs and Other Stuff

Here they are! My mom did a gorgeous job on the slipcovers. We broke them in tonight with my guy, his momma and his aunt. I'm so happy with how my apartment is coming together.
The kitties are both settling in, and since mom is leaving tomorrow, I will really begin my nesting too. I'll post more pictures as I add new things and work on new projects! So far my sewing has been limited to a couple of these pillow covers (mom did the other two!).

Wishing I Could Feel Guilty...

I am sitting here in the new apartment, listening to Mom as she is working on reupholstering my two dining room chairs. It's 1120 pm, and we had a nice dinner and coffee with my prodigal son and his girlfriend. But here is mom, back at the place, plugging along on the sewing machine.

I bought the two chairs a year ago at IKEA, because they were on clearance (for $20 a piece), and are a nice shape, and, after all, how hard can it be to get slipcovers or reupholster them? Oops. No slipcovers available...so "hey Mom, can you do my chairs while you are here?". She should have said "no". I think she's put in about 12 hours on them. They look great, and they aren't even done. But they will be wonderful. I have great faith in her.

She probably wishes she'd put her foot down...but oh, I can't even feel a bit guilty!

Pictures to follow (if she ever finishes them!).

Reading Books about Death Right Before Bed

I was a little concerned last night that I would have nightmares. I just started reading a history of the worst avalanche disaster in the country. The White Cascades is engrossing, written as engagingly as a novel. But I made the mistake of skipping to the appendices and reading the list of the 96 who perished. It was heartbreaking, as I had already become attached to some of the people, even though they lived and died in 1910.

However, I think I might be even more concerned that I didn't have nightmares and slept like a baby.

I'm Moving!

Finally. I have found a very kitchy and eclectic apartment in a 1914 mansion in Stanwood, WA, population 12. Slight exaggeration...it's around 4500 now. That means I have a new 35 minute commute to work. But it also means I am living 15 miles closer to my guy, and also important for my mental health, am going to be able to finally unpack fully without the spector of the house sale looming over me. Moving begins on the 10th, with the bulk being done on the 12th. I will post photos when I am all decorated! I am sure the kitties will be very excited playing with the laser light on the new tile floors.

Posting

Yes. Still alive. And kicking.

I just filed the insurance claim for my laptop, so it will be a while until I get it. Until then, I can only post at work or the library, and neither is an ideal choice. So I am on here updating my current reading list.

Updates: My social life is improving. I am seeing someone. He's new, so more about that later. I am getting full-time hours at work, and even more than that last month. More than I would like, but not more than I need at this point. Ah, to be independently wealthy. And my housing? For now, the house is officially off the market, so I am staying put, which of course, is great for me. Weather and work have thwarted my last two garage sales, so the living room is still a mess of boxes, which makes the cat happy, and me annoyed. Shooting for next Saturday.

Life is weird right now. But what exactly is normal? Certainly not me!

You'll Just Have to Pretend

There are two reasons that there is not a "real" picture included with this post.  First, while Rowdy-cat is totally enamoured of the boxes that are all over the house...he won't stay in one long enough for me to get an absolutely adorable photo of him climbing in and out of them.  Second (and more importantly), my house is in that period of absolute chaos that comes with sorting, resorting, pricing for a garage sale, packing up non-essentials for storage (and should I be packing those at all?), and trying to keep out the things with which to live here for the next month or so.  And I would be horrified for anyone to see it.

So you'll just have to pretend that you see me sitting here amidst all my junk.  You know, I thought I got rid of stuff during the last move!

Ruthless.  Just call me ruthless.

The garage sale is June 20th...the countdown has begun.